“I spent 20 years denying who I was, living the life I was told I should live, all while slowly destroying myself.”

Pronouns: She/Her/Hers

Trish was only 11 years old when she found a lost earring on the street and pocketed it to bring home. Alone in her room, the little boy she once was would hold it up to her ear, looking in the mirror and wishing it was her accessory to wear.

Today, as a 57-year-old trans woman, she said she should have known at that point the life she was born with was not the path meant for her.

And over the years, it would be time and time again of encountering identity crises with no real endpoint in mind; surely, this would be a phase to pass in due course. It wouldn’t be until 2022 that Trish began her transition into the woman she truly is and has been this whole time.

Without the modern ease of the internet, she would scour the library for books on sexuality to answer questions that consumed her as an early teenager. 

“I wanted to know why I was so interested in wearing women’s clothes,” Trish said. “Why did pretty things and soft fabrics catch my eye so much? What was it about makeup and wanting to be pretty that I had to try?”

Around the age of 13 was when Trish entered her first relationship. Her partner at the time would say things like, “You’d be a pretty girl, let me put makeup on you,” which outwardly, she would protest. Inside, though, she felt excited and aroused. However, what she had been reading at the library was indicating that if one was aroused by something, it was nothing but a fetish.

“Here I am just wanting to be pretty, but my body was reacting in a way that all the books were saying was deviant behavior,” she said. “How could I possibly be one of those people?”

Among these blossoming feelings in a less-than-ideal household growing up, “Is it any wonder why I chose instead to stay in the closet and continue to pretend I was someone else? I spent 20 years denying who I was, living the life I was told I should live, all while slowly destroying myself.”

Trish found herself at 17 years old working full time while attending school, and at the same time, harboring her deepest, darkest secret. For the next 20 years, she would project herself through drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol.

“I needed outlets. I needed escapes,” she said. “It was either indulge in those demons, face my own, or leave this planet all together. I wasn’t ready for a final solution, but slowly destroying myself? Sure, that works. I could have started transitioning. Why didn’t I? Fear. Fear of losing my job, my relationships – everything I had worked to try and build for myself, I stood to lose.”

However, Trish’s life path shifted in the right direction when she discovered cross-dressing. She would secretly try on her partner’s clothing when they weren’t home, and would buy makeup and other accessories while on business trips to only discard it upon her return home. Beyond this, Trish would find cross-dresser groups or makeup places that were accepting just to try to feel a sense of belonging. 

The first time Trish directly acknowledged to anyone that she was transgender was at 38 years old; it wasn’t to a friend or family member, it was to herself.

“Before I could say it to anyone else, after all the years above of denial and pain, I finally realized that if I was going to survive I had to finally admit to myself who I was,” she said.

And at that point, she felt liberated – like she was 16 years old all over again. 

“I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I started taking care of my health and weight. In that first year alone, I lost 75 pounds,” she said.

However, it would still be another 15 years before Trish began her physical transition.

“I was still struggling with my sexuality during this period,” she explained. “It was finally starting to come to public light that gender identity and sexual identity weren’t as linked as previously thought, but it wasn’t the norm. Heteronormativity was still, even in medical eyes, the standard for persons questioning gender identity.”

About a year after coming to terms with her own identity, though, she came out to one of her then-coworkers. She was more free with expressing her opinion on things like fashion and other “non-manly things,” so they stuck together in friendship. Trish would show her pictures she had taken of makeovers done on road trips – the fur, the blonde updo, the whole nine yards  – and her coworker called her gorgeous. 

“This was the first time anyone had given me that kind of validation. To her, I was a beautiful woman all dolled up for an event,” she said. “I cried. Our friendship was cemented that day.

“15-plus years later and thousands of miles apart, we are still the best of friends,” Trish continued. “We talk weekly to catch up on our lives and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. She’s met and loves my current partner and tells me regularly how proud of me she is.”

Another major player in Trish’s coming out was her third wife, who she met in 2012. With her, they were both open and able to explore who they were by each other’s side, even if they were 20 years apart.

“Simply put, imagine an 18-year-old going into a coma and coming out at 38. Externally and to the world, they are a 38-year-old. But inside and mentally, they’re still 18,” she explained. “They don’t know who they are, they don’t know their own interests, they don’t know anything about themselves; that’s what happens to a lot of older trans people – we live for years behind a mask. We live for years doing the things we’ve been told are normal to keep our secrets. We don’t know who we are, only who we’ve been told to be. For me, my 40s were basically my 20s. For the first time, I answered to no one but myself.”

Because of this, however, the two drifted apart and Trish eventually met her current partner.

“I needed more. I needed to medically transition. I wasn’t happy still having to “play boy” when I went outside,” she said.

Despite the strenuous journey to today, Trish is now herself – being trans is just another part of her, and coming out isn’t a necessity in her eyes. But to essentially “finalize” and solidify her transition, she posted on r/GlowUps on Reddit to demonstrate to others that it isn’t too late to make a change. It has since gathered over 1 million views, nearly 20,000 upvotes and almost 1,000 comments.

“Posting my picture on Reddit was kind of my final “coming out” if you will. I did it not only for myself, but to try and be an inspiration to others who are struggling. I have had 40 years since I first recognized something was different and nearly 20 to process my true self. My posting was a way of existing in a larger space,” Trish explained. “I was crying ugly tears of joy when it hit 1,000 upvotes.”

And for other trans folks who have been in the closet and looking for a sign to make a change, Trish said that this is nobody else’s journey but your own. 

“In the end, you have to decide what makes you happy. Don’t listen to some random YouTuber,” she said. “You have to decide, hopefully with the guidance of a good professional, what aspects of transition and coming out work for you – they can help you define a roadmap.”

For parents of someone in the closet, Trish says to simply listen. Listen and take your child seriously.

But what it comes down to, she concluded, is that there are resources and professionals to help anyone for every step of the transitioning and coming out process.

“I want to thank anyone and everyone who has read this. My journey is far from over and I look forward to revisiting this writing in the years to come. Remember you’re not alone. You have millions of trans brothers and sisters who are here to help you. You have trained professionals to help you figure out the path that is right for you. Thank you to my partner for being my support network and my daughter for always standing by my side. Thanks to Come (Out) as You Are for providing this platform for me to share my story with all of you.”

See the slideshow below for Trish’s full transition journey.